Being Really Pregnant at Night

Note for the reader: I did a little deep dive on my old blog (RIP) and found lots of things that made me crack up (…and lots of things that made me cringe). I’m reposting several of the entries on my blog now in hopes that some ridiculousness will lighten your load for a minute during these wild times. To find more funny stuff, check out the tag #hoardlaughter on my site and on Instagram.

Being Really Pregnant at Night - Originally published 7/24/15

10pm - Get tired but avoid going to bed because bed is torture. Watch Parks and Rec and dabble on Pinterest to distract from that heavy belly feeling. Research potty training methods, cognac boots, and stair runners.

12am - Go to bed because staying awake is getting overwhelming and belly is very heavy and tired.

12:15am - Get up and go to the bathroom. 

12:45am - Get up and eat 1/2 a banana because whoa whoa hungry. 

1:00am - Ugh heartburn stupid banana. Take a Tums. Sing Tums song.

1:15am - Wide awake. Stare into the abyss. 

1:30am - Bathroom again. Trip over a giant man shoe on your way. Why does stupid husband insist on wearing shoes!!!! He put them there on purpose. Feel very thirsty but ignore it because water is what got you into this mess in the first place. 

2:00am - Tummy rumbles so eat other half of banana. Do not drink water!! Water is the devil. 

2:15am - Heartburn. $&#@?! banana.

2:30am - Realize you should have taken a Benadryl earlier!!! Duh!!! Yay for drowsiness!

2:45am - Realize you gulped down too much water (it was so good) when you took the Benadryl and now have to use the bathroom. Water is the devil!!!

3:00am - Stare at husband angrily. His stupid sleeping face is infuriating and he is obviously sleeping that peacefully on purpose to ruin your life. Plus don't forget he wears shoes and it's RUDE. 

3:15am - Think about something sad and cry.

3:30am - Realize that true madness has set in.

4:00am - Wake up with sudden and insane leg cramp!!!! Banana you had one job to do!!!! Potassium is a sham. Mentally write a strongly worded letter to banana farmers! Are bananas on farms? Who cares everyone is the worst including farmers!! Fall asleep with relief when cramp finally subsides.

5:00am - Sleepily attempt to roll over, but it proves difficult as there is a bowling ball buried beneath the tummy skin. Mumble something hateful about potassium and bowling shoes and fall asleep.

8:00am - Wake up for good. Spot peacefully sleeping husband's beautiful stupid face again. Decide to hate everyone. Especially the peppy and the skinny and those with well-tweezed eyebrows. But maybe will not hate that cute baby that lives upstairs and the cute baby that lives under the tummy skin and maybe cute husband even though they are all big fat sleep ruiners. Crap I love them. Cry about it. Good morning!

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Fearing the Lord During Fearful Times:

Consider the Proverbs 31 woman. As she is looking to her household (v. 21) and opening her hand to the poor (v. 20), she also expresses her faith through laughter. “Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come” (v. 25).  Laughter is part of the way she fears the Lord. She knows he holds the future, and the resolution of the story is always secure in his hands. But also remember this about the virtuous women: She did a lot of stuff, but she did it because she fears the Lord, not because she had to earn God’s approval. She’s not earning her salvation, she’s overflowing her salvation. If you follow Jesus, his righteousness covers you—you are already a virtuous woman. Strength and dignity are already your clothing. You, too, can express your faith through laughter, knowing the Lord shaped the path exactly as it is, is with you on the path, welcomes you to share and entrust all anxieties to him as you walk together, and will lead you in the way everlasting.

P.S. I know you are looking to your household (v. 21), and I hope this #hoardlaughter thing is inching you towards laughter even in these fearful times (v. 25). If you want some ways to open your hand to the poor (v. 20) and love your neighbor, ask God to open your eyes to your community’s needs and your neighbors needs. You may consider donating to two local (to me) places: The Mid-South Food Bank or The Dorothy Day House.