Existential Crisis
/Two weeks ago, while we were on vacation, I was convinced that my children were not missing their Parents’ Day Out, because the school was on Fall Break. I told multiple people this, like, “How convenient that the school Fall Break fell on the same week as our long-planned vacation!” Isn’t it nice when life is like that? Except I was talking with my friend Megan, whose daughter Ellie Kate goes to the same PDO program, and she mentioned something about taking Ellie Kate to school. “Wait, what?” I said. “I thought they were on Fall Break!” Megan was confused, but I ended up deciding Fall Break must be next week. Silly me, getting my dates switched up! Megan and I bond over this shared muddled calendar tendency. We are silly!
When I get home, I check the calendar, and you guys, there is no Fall Break. As in zero Fall Break. As in I completely invented the entire idea out of nothing, and it was never, ever on the calendar.
It is then that I remember my brother and sister being super mean to me while we were on vacation, ruthlessly mocking me for the time I saw a reindeer. I was in bed on Christmas Eve, and suddenly what appeared outside my window? A reindeer, magically chomping on glittering reindeer food, even though we had set out the food in the backyard and my window faced the front yard, and, the craziest part, my room was on the second floor of the house! Magic floating reindeer? Hologram? I have no idea! All I know is I saw a reindeer, and I told this story until the cows came home. Welcome home, cows! At the time, my siblings knew me to be a girl of conviction and honesty, and they listened to my tale with wide eyes and hopeful hearts, later peddling my reindeer story at school, like, “You guys! My sister actually saw a reindeer. NO I DON’T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND. It was my sister, who is totally trustworthy, and she saw a REINDEER.” I think we all remember how divisive elementary school Santa chats can be. They put themselves out on the line with this one.
So twenty-something years later, my siblings are still annoyed with me for the reindeer story. They’re like, “CAROLINE, WE TOLD EVERYONE!” And I’m like, “WELL I CANNOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT IS TRUE.” Thirty-one-year-old me and nine-year-old me link arms in solidarity. We know what we saw. “MAYBE MOM AND DAD SHONE A HOLOGRAM INTO MY WINDOW! I DO NOT KNOW THE ORIGIN OF THE REINDEER BUT I CAN ASSURE YOU THAT I SAW A REINDEER.” Mom and Dad aren’t paying attention. We move on to other things.
But when we get home from vacation, and I’m staring at the yellow PDO calendar, the one without a single letter or reference or hint towards anything like the Fall Break I was completely convinced they were having, I feel unsure about the reindeer for the first time in decades. Did I actually see one? Are Mom and Dad, who at that time would bungee cord a cube-shaped television with a 10-inch screen to the floor of our van on road trips, capable of sophisticated hologram technology? Or was it a very vivid dream, the kind of dream that I wake up and feel confused about whether I’m mad at real Luke or dream Luke? Is this like in high school when MULTIPLE TIMES I caught myself telling a story to my friends at ballet before stopping and saying, “You guys, I just realized that none of this is true, and I totally invented it” and then we all fell over in hysteric laughter and confusion because what?!? DID ANYONE ELSE EVER DO THAT? AM I A FICTION WRITER WHO HAS HONESTLY BELIEVED THAT SHE’S A NONFICTION WRITER? AM I EVEN SITTING AT THIS COMPUTER RIGHT NOW WRITING THESE LETTERS OR ARE LETTERS A MYTH? AM I ON THE TRUMAN SHOW, BANGING ON THE FAKE SKY WALL AND CRYING FOR MY FAKE DAD?
Welcome to my existential crisis, brought to you by Fall Break and reindeers and meaninglessness.
